Archive for satire

I Go To Sleep

Posted in humor, satire and sarcasm, social commentary with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2009 by blackstarr

The events of the last few days have been quite surreal, particularly on the night that my mother was in the hospital, depending on life support to keep her going.  My sister and I were there already and the doctor said that it would be best if we took mom off of support as it is probably causing her more pain than doing any good.  We insisted that she be kept going at least until my brother gets to the hospital.  He arrived, he kissed mom on the cheek, and my mom’s life, as we knew it, was over.  It was like a scene out of a movie: the parent refuses to die until all of their children are assembled before them.  Waaay too surreal.  Well, if you know even just a little bit about me, you know that I don’t do “touchy-feely” and, yes – that was touchy-feely.  I had my reasons, which will come to light.  For now, amidst our tragedy . . . comic relief.

I know that in some way or another, we will all find ourselves either depending on life support or already past that point, awaiting that ride across the River Styx.  Before my time gets here, I plant to grab fifteen minutes of fame, along with about an hour more thrown in for good measure.  Now, before my fellow Christians crucify me, it goes without saying that all things that I hope for are proceeded with the phrase “God willing”, for I can only accomplish the things that God allows for me.  On the other hand, I’ve never been politically correct either – I just try to tell it like it is – without the wordplay. 

So, if – or more appropriately – when I have obtained that fame (with the extra hour), I should be filthy rich.  I hope that you’re paying attention because there will be a test later in life. All of this obligates each of you and gives you yet one more responsibility.  “How so?”, I hear you asking.  Well, believe it or not, I love you tweeple, you people, you Field Negroes (as opposed to the House Negroes), and as such, you will probably be in my will.  In fact, you WILL be in my will.  That’s where your obligation comes in.  There is a headline that you should be looking for at some point in the future.  If a particular situation should come to pass, it will probably read something like this:

“Famed writer and director blackstarr lies on life support as friends and family argue back and forth about pulling the plug or keeping him going!”

Drop whatever you’re doing and hop a “red-eye” to Philly if you have to!  Don’t you let them pull any plugs !!!  Don’t listen to what some foolish doctor has to say!!!  KEEP ME GOING FOR AS LONG AS THERE IS MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT!!!! I hear you thinking already:  Dude, that is expensive as H*ll.  Remember that by that time, I will be filthy rich.  Leave me in whatever room they put me in and have the specialist flown in everyday to check on me.  You see, the more they move me, the more the chance of a cord coming loose or some dingbat nurse plugging in things the wrong way.  And why should you care?  I told you – you’re in the will.  As long as my wishes are carried out, you all will be taken care of.

Here’s the second headline for which you should be on the lookout:

“Funeral services for blackstarr will be held . . .”

Again – stop whatever you’re doing and get back to Philly, making sure that there is no funeral, no memorial, no repast, nor anything remotely resembling any of the above.  The beautiful and dazzling woman could not have put it better: “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina!”.  I reiterate her words over and over.  Don’t cry for me.  I am but a starving artist at the moment, yet even at this point in my life, I can say that I have lived a wonderful life.  At that point in my life, you KNOW that I will have had a great time.  So please . . . shed no tears for me.

I like fire.  I like the flames that it produces.  I like the colors that it creates.  I was born on February 1st and, as a result, nearly every party that I’ve thrown in my adult life has ended up in near disaster.  I remember one year it snowed so badly that three people showed up: my girlfriend, the bartender, and me!  So, more than anything else, I like the warmth that emanates from that fire.  When I die, cremate me!  Let my a$$ burn until there is nothing left but ashes!  When it’s all over, take a trip to the west coast and scatter my ashes in the Pacific Ocean so that I can watch the sun set everyday.  No tears for the kid!

It’s important that you carry out my wishes and for good reason.  Remember first that, by that time, you’ve got big bucks coming your way.  More importantly, I don’t care if I have 500 million dollars in the bank – If there is a memorial, a burial, a funeral, any of those things that I mentioned before or anything close, all of my money will go to charity.  Just so that we are clear, let me say that one more time:  all of my money will go to charity!  I HATE that “touchy-feely” stuff! I can’t control it in anyone else’s life, but I should certainly be able to control it in my own.  Did you know that some lady left her fortune to all of her cats?  Did you know that a man in England left his money to the care of a tree in the wilderness?  You can do that, you know.

Later in life, there will be a test. By then, this blog may have long been deleted, or  may be inaccessible, or any number of untimely circustances may prevent you from re-reading this.  So, if you don’t know how, learn: copy, paste, save to file.  That way, you will have notes to look back on when the test comes, and it will be “open-book”.  Don’t be caught with the dumb-look on your face wondering “What do I do now?”   Copy, paste, save to file.

Just make sure that you shed no tears for me.  To that end, make certain that there are no services held – key word: cremation.  But if that plug is keeping me alive, do everything in your power to keep it plugged in.  Ya never know!  Peace.

freerealm@gmail.com

© 2009 freedom

“I Go To Sleep” by Sia

W.T.D. 01.05.09

Posted in humor, just for the bull of it, satire and sarcasm, social commentary, WTG (Walking The Dog) with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2009 by blackstarr

walking the dog 01Well, I’m not really walking the dog, today.  I’m more or less clearing the old brain cells of leftover nonesense from the year that has recently departed.  Never let it be said, however, that I am not the Angry Black Man anymore, because I am and ever will be.  Today – I’m just not feelin’ it.

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I want to welcome everyone to 2009 and offer my sincere wishes that this will truly be your year and that when it’s all said and done, this will be the year that finds you in the place that you’ve always wanted to be.  God willing, it will surely be my year.  Don’t even ask me about New Year’s resolutions.  It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I’ve broken so many before that I am currently banned by Pennsylvania law from making any more.  So . . . don’t ask.

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Way across town, in the neighborhood that I once (or twice) lived, I always drive past a store with the most peculiar name: JUST ROSES and MORE.  WTH?  I still shake my head at that one.

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I often ponder, as well as ask the question, but never do I get an answer:  Why is it that we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?  Why is  that?  Huh?  Why?

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Speaking of hoochies, I came across this little gem a few days ago. > click here <  Put that outfit on and I guarantee you that you can lounge around on my sofa all summer long and I will not be mad at cha for doing so!  That is like seriously sensual eroticism.  I don’t remember where I got that photo, but, I removed all of the extraneous letters in the URL and went to the main page – don’t do it!!  It is some crazy all-out porn!!

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Sensual eroticism?  I admit that to be a phrase which borders on redundancy.  So . . . how’s about a few oxymora (plural of oxymoron) to help you get started on your busy day?  For me, they are always good for at least a hint of a smile.  Here are three that guarantee a chuckle from yours truly:  original copy, the same difference, and the ever wonderful military intelligence.  Try these on for size:

pretty ugly

only choice

clearly confused

plastic glasses

Stop by FUN WITH WORDS for more delicious words and phrases that should never be in the same room at the same time.

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FLY, EAGLES, FLY! ‘Nuff said.

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I am not and will never ever be politically correct, nor will I practice semantics.  For me, it is what it is.  I call people “retarded” because it is my term of endearment for those who say things in an “out-of-the-way”, original manner that makes me smile.  I call women “fat” by way of a compliment because I simply adore “fat” women.  They bring me joy.  “Fat” is just not a bad word in my vocabulary.  It’s not that I am trying to be insensitive when I say such things, it’s just that . . . it is what it is.  I make no excuses nor do I pardon myself for the things that I say and the way that I say them.  OK, except when it comes to you ladies – you get me every time.  Therefore, I apologize in advance for what flows from my feeble brain: when it comes to logic, for the most part, women just don’t get it.  Why is that?  It’s because (according to the experts) women function mostly with the emotional and creative side of the brain (creative – that why ,again, according to the experts, women are so much better at lying than men – creative brainwaves).  Men, on the other hand, for the most part, think more with the logical and reasoning side of the brain.  There are opinions for and against each of those thoughts and there has never been a definitive answer as to which is better.

It’s all neither here nor there as all of that was merely a segue into the idea of opinions.  Yes – this little missive is not about women and their reasoning, but, rather, about opinions.  The group is The Doobie Brothers.  The track is “What A Fool Believes” (go ahead and click – I know you can listen and read at the same time).  Most importantly, the line from the song is “What a fool believes, no wise man has the power to reason away”.  That means that with all of one’s PhD’s, all of one’s street knowledge, and with all of the wisdom in the world, one still do not have the power to dispute what a fool believes.  In the context of the song, a fool has fallen in love with a woman who doesn’t even know that he is alive.  In his mind, however, he believes that she loves him back and that she is his.  If we remove “fool” and insert “person”, the line becomes relevant on an even higher level.  I don’t know if this was intentional, but, nevertheless, it is a coup d’etat.

The bottom line is that one person’s opinion is not subject to another’s  judgment.  An opinion has absolutely nothing to do with truth, fact, or reality.  That being the case, opinion can never be disputed.  When we see comments written about the things we post, we ofttimes see “IMO” or “IMHO”, the “o” standing for “opinion”, of course.  When you see that, take a deep breath, then exhale, and remember that it is merely one man’s opinion and nothing more.  There is actually no need to rebut.  There is no need to be angry because their thoughts differ from yours.  There is even no need to make them see the light.  They are merely expressing their opinions, key word being “opinions”.  If we take that forth with us into 2009, if we can relieve ourselves of even the slightest iota of stress from our existence, then, it means one more iota of peace and serenity put into our lives, even if for just a moment in time.  I know –  touchy-feely, but, hey.  Peace.

copyright  ©  2009  freedom

freerealm@gmail.com

Once agian, my favorite “Breathe”, by Telepopmusik . . . enjoy